Wee extra post, was about to share what I’ve been trying but will leave that for the next post. However, saw a tweet that made me quite sad and angry as well about the way the person had been left feeling all because of others judging them. So I had to write. As you are aware I’ve been getting treatment & help for my anxiety for a year now while continuing to work through it and be supported by my managers. Then covid hit and I felt back to square 1.  I lost a lot of support in the sense of not being around people at work and also my routine being disrupted. That’s not to say I didn’t get any support it was still there but its not the same when its not in person. Now what we are about 4 months in and things are slowly returning back to some sort of “normality” and so a lot of talk about folk going back to work if they haven’t already. Things are opening up slowly but surely and we are able to do more than visit the local supermarket now. Coffee shops and hairdressers have opened and now facebook/Instagram is full of drinks and hairdo’s. So whats the problem well when you see another educator being trolled for being anxious about going back to work but is able to go to the hairdressers you take notice and stop and think. What on earth has gone wrong? Only at the beginning of the year social media was awash with the #bekind campaign after the sudden death of a celebrity. Now we have someone be told they are not fit to teach all because of they are scared of whats happening when they go back to work but yet they are OK enough to go and get their hair done. Do people even understand how mental health issues work?   

Anxiety  and depression causes good and bad days. Any activity can go from chill to heart burstingly terrifying the more you think about it and the more you focus on it. I went through a frustrating few days the week before last with everyone talking about heading back to work and how theres only so many weeks of summer left etc. It got me thinking (well overthinking!) so I had to rein it in and get back to my day at a time mindset. Its not something you can turn on and off its something you live with and have to learn to manage. It doesn’t mean you should not work or hide yourself away. In fact that’s probably one of the worst things you could do. I found that being at work helped me and I was supported. But that initial going back after summer yeah it was hard and it will be the same when I go back this year in fact I have ensured I have sought enough help to make my return as smooth as possible as I know my anxiety will be right up there. So for this educator to be criticised for being scared for going back to work and told by folk to go on the sick no that’s not right. Why are you being so mean to them, they need your support and understanding not being told of you can’t teach what happened to #bekind eh? Quickly forgotten. Yes this person went to get their hair done and so? Small things are the first step at most it’s a few hours in a small place with a few folk nothing at all like a classroom so I can’t begin to see how they can even equate that they are the same thing. Its also good for your mental health – self care is so important and you do forget to take time out just to look after yourself especially with anxiety & depression.  I went to get my hair done a few days ago and barely slept the night before as I worked myself up a bit as its somewhere I’ve not been for ages and with the new rules of wearing a mask etc. However like all things with anxiety it’s the build up to the event that causes it, normally things calm once you actually get there. Same when I got to work as well it was always the build up rather than actual work and I assume that’s the issue for the poor person who got stick for feeling anxious about their return to work.  

If anyone wondered why there is such a stigma with mental health issues this is it when people do talk they are immediately brought down and not taken seriously. This leads to people not wanting to talk about their issues in the first place. We need to be more understanding especially now more than ever many folk have been at home for a long time and even if they didn’t have anxiety before lockdown their will be a certain apprehension about returning to normal. We all need to be more thoughtful about how people are feeling and realise everyone has dealt with lockdown differently We should not be judging them, rather listening and supporting them. Mental Health Awareness isn’t just for a week or a twitter hashtag neither is Be Kind. These things mean something and mean you should be looking out for people not stigmatizing their mental health issues. It can happen to anyone.

What do you think of when you hear the word anxiety? For me, it is all about the apprehension and worry of something that is about to happen.

I’m sure you’ll have experienced it at least at one point in your life it’s a totally natural reaction to situations (think night before going back to school after the summer holidays or even going back to work after a break). There is that slight dread and feeling in the pit of your stomach or you just cannot stop thinking but it subsides, and you can rationalise what is going on. 

Now what would you think when you hear about someone who suffers with anxiety disorder? Where every day can be filled with dread, fear, and tiredness to name but a few symptoms. Instant rationalisation is not a thing the tiniest decision takes forever and is played out until the anxiety finally subsides and yes you realise, well OK, I can do this.

I think I have always been a bit highly anxious throughout my life, but proper anxiety disorder kicked in last summer for various reasons. It was affecting me before I knew what it was eg I was feeling unwell and not sleeping properly. I went to see my awesome GP who listened, and we got to the bottom of it and so started my treatment. To start with I tried natural methods changing my sleep habits by not drinking caffeine after 6pm, walking more at lunchtimes and a bit of meditation using some apps on the phone.  Will not lie to you all I am not the most self-disciplined – I will try things but, in the past, have given up easy on things. However I did keep up at least the no caffeine after 6pm and walking every day at lunch (that is such a much even during the rubbish weather I would find ways to go for a good walk about the buildings at work as they are mostly interlinked so you can do a good walk around the floors without leaving a building) Fresh air walks much better though for sure its good to just clear your head and get away from your desk. Nothing personal against folk at lunch I just needed my own space to clear my head ready for the afternoon ahead. I did keep this up for the whole year (until lockdown!) and would totally recommend it to everyone. Even just a short walk (I aimed for around 20 minutes at least).

I went through spells of trying the whole mindfulness/meditating but found it hard to properly get into especially with no guide bar an app. I am better if I am shown something in person then can go away and work on it and meditating takes a lot of effort for sure (well for me anyway) Why? Well I have a very anxious mind, and this means that it is constantly on. You have probably seen the meme “my mind is like a web browser loads of tabs open, a few frozen and no clue as to where the music is coming from” yup that sums it up well. A lot of it is totally irrational as well in fact 99% if not all is irrational, but it can take a while for an anxious brain to finally work that out after going through every scenario. By that I mean for example say I have a meeting – I’d worry about it for the day before and the lead up to it thinking of things that might not be right or if I’ve done anything wrong, then the meeting happens its all good and no worries at all during it (in the moment) but then after analysing every part of it and if I’ve said something wrong or daft. That is how anxiety works, and it cannot be helped. It is not just something you can snap out of and takes time for your mind to get to grips with the situation and rationalise what is going on. I was able to talk through a lot at work thankfully and did have a super supportive person who understood(well if they didn’t they at least showed they were bothered) the anxiety and was very good at listening and then helping me see the actual rational point without getting frustrated at me, as to why I couldn’t just understand it right away like most folk could.  Anxiety really does cloud your thoughts and you can get lost in spending too much time thinking/overthinking about something that to most would be super trivial. It led me to a lot of second-guessing things that should just come naturally especially at work. Thankfully, I had that critical person who was able to calmly say yeah fair enough but look on the other hand really what is the worst? It eased things for me (maybe not for them having me to deal with) but overall kept me that little bit more grounded.  

I undertook some CBT outside of work which helped me get to think about situations and break them down myself to understand myself more unfortunately that stopped due to the lockdown. It gave me enough though to make a start at looking at things a bit differently.  Naturally, lockdown heightened the anxiety for a bit especially for going shopping. I was lucky enough to then get some help from Sandra Docherty who is a colleague from one of our other campuses and is trained in mindfulness. She was able to offer a couple of sessions on a one to one basis to try and help me find other ways to manage my anxiety. As I said before I had tried mindfulness before on my own but just did not get into it. However, I was open to trying and willing to give it another go. I want to try things and find something that works for me to help deal with my anxiety better in a way that is easy for me.  So yes, I was a bit sceptical going into the first mindfulness session and was honest with Sandra however did say I am 100% in and willing to give it a good try. Really wasn’t sure but do you know within 10 minutes of talking I felt so at ease with her and talked a lot but have to say by the end of that hour I had really felt the benefit of it. We discussed a few things with some different exercises but the one that really got me was the mediation which was me just listening to her going through this lovely exercise of visualisation of different colours & different parts of the body and I felt quite emotional after that first one. It was a real game changer for me, and I realised that I should be doing this more. I had 2 further sessions a lot more talking and more meditations, but it gave me the boost I needed to do something for myself now that I properly felt the benefit of it. So much so that I created a little space in my bedroom to be my spot for meditating.

Another thing that was mentioned was scents and use of them to help calm in anxious situations – we had discussed my shopping anxiety and how difficult I had been finding that. So, it was useful to find a scent that I could put on a tissue or cotton pad and wear while shopping to help me focus on that rather than the worry. I had found some lavender oil I had already had so used that on a tissue the first time I went and just sat in the car for a few minutes extra before heading to the shop it helped me think a bit more calmly and I felt like I was a bit more able to cope with the task in hand. After that I purchased a bracelet that you can put the essential oils on to and I wear that each time I go out now to the shops just to remind me  everything will be OK. I really am grateful for being introduced to this as it has been a great kickstart to me helping myself a lot.

So I finished up work “for the summer” last Friday, seems so empty to say this year. This academic year has been turbulent to say the least for me (and that’s not even including going into lockdown) but I made it through only with support though there is no way on earth I’d have gotten here by myself that’s for sure.  Support comes in many forms my daughters are my world and have been amazing this year (2 are adults and one is a teen) but all live with me so have been my immediate rocks though they should not have to but its fair they understand how I am. My mum is my ultimate rock and like all mums knows what’s wrong before you even say it. My family have been so important during this time to me in keeping me going and they know I love them all (since I have about 3 million cousins lol one of those families!).  And naturally my friends as well especially my besties. Keeping me going all the time.

It was work I guess that got me into writing this blog at the start of lockdown and to use it as a way of me to tell everyone about my journey with anxiety. It gave me the push to get back into blogging again more regularly.  At work I had a super small circle of folk who knew as firstly I didn’t want to be a bother and I just wanted to get on with my work and yeah not ashamed to say totally thought I’d be judged for having anxiety. Was difficult for sure opening up to those few but totally had to be done for my own wellbeing. I absolutely without a doubt love my job 100% teaching is just in me, despite the anxiety I have found my place in the world I know I was meant to be here for this reason. I have always ALWAYS wanted to teach it just took time for me to find my calling as to where and what stage and now I have that dream job. Laugh if you want but its totally true, I had a job before going back to uni and while I met some nice folk through it, it wasn’t the best and just wasn’t me.

Support networks are important and for me have been a total lifesaver, having the support in and out of work makes such a difference and kept me going through both good and bad days. Probably the one question I got asked a lot as well by health professionals was about my support network to ensure I did have folk that knew and were able to be there if I needed them (turns out I can talk an awful lot of nonsense if my anxiety is high – or I’ll go quiet and need to go for a walk). Again its all about getting to know yourself and understanding how you are feeling and looking for what triggers the anxiety and eventually I was able to find strategies to help with some triggers at least. It takes time though and patience is key, I used to get so frustrated with myself when I had a bad day but soon realised theres no point just let it happen and move on.

To my support network I thank you all for being there through this year your being patient & listening & not judging & generally just putting up with me really has made such a difference to me. Might not have been a big deal to you but changed a lot for me.

Volunteering is one of the most rewarding things I have ever done. I got my first experience in my community back in 1994 when I was 16 and I helped out at the Blue Roof (our community centre) it was a kids club at night and I was responsible for the arts and crafts table and I loved it. 

From there I moved to doing some bits with Stepping Stones for Families and was involved in voluntary childcare work – ok reveal time not many folk know but I actually went to college part time as I wanted to be a nursery teacher was put off at school for being “too bright for that sort of work” only in my adult years do I realise how wrong that was and nursery teachers are amazing. Stopped my course though when I had my own children and then went to work. After a break of a while I got back into volunteering when my oldest started school and loved going on school trips or helping in school with things (parent council, Eco-committee that was lots of fun proud that me and my kids all served a bit of time on that one!, helped with fundraising and getting funding for things, got the housing association involved with the school and my clubs as well – I seen the link and made the connection between school and housing association and partnership for life).

When I went back to uni it gave me a chance to become a bit more involved in school  and I used my expertise, helping out with computing classes and then eventually starting my own afterschool club up in April 2013 with the support of the head teacher.  It ran at least once a week for each term – although some terms I had more time and I did 2 or 3 clubs a week (while I was a student). Totally loved it being part of the school community my little Royston Family – teachers don’t get enough credit for the extras they do to support families and yeah they guys were there for me at a time in my life I needed it most and I’ve always ensured I support the school where possible. I guess this stemmed from when I was younger and as a kid there was Archie Grant true legend R.I.P. who ran a group and used to take us swimming a lot and did the disco as well ha yes the disco has been going that long here lol.  Before then we always did things at the local community centre in Blackhill and went on trips etc so seeing people invested in doing things for their community had an impact on me.

Today I still feel its important to help out first in your own community if and when you can. My wee computing club turned into a Codedojo (name really nothing more but we got more support) and from that I did occasionally help out at the Science Centre or Mitchell Library dojos but knew I wanted to keep my efforts mainly where I was and started a wee dojo in the library.

From there I got involved with Royston Youth Action who do the most amazing work in my community for kids. Did a couple of sessions over the past year for them before the anxiety kicked in. Then I really had to slow down and stop for a bit but you know what those lovely RYA folk are still there for a wee chat and have been super supportive of me and my journey even though they don’t have to but in turn I know that when we can start doing things I’ll be so ready to help them out. I had been trying to make plans with the school and RYA and Glasgow Life to try get things started again just before Covid19 however it will happen.  

I am also a STEM ambassador and have used this throughout the 10 years to work with schools and run my coding clubs as well the Science Connects team are awesome and I owe a lot to Aileen who’s been a great support over the years.

I think its important that if you are in a position to be able to give back to your community you can. I’m not saying it has to be financial far from it volunteering is the best thing you can do. You get to help out others and make a difference in your community. I have worked with so many children in the area and it’s amazing granted some are now grown up lol but I’ve played a small part in their lives.  I’m lucky as well in that I’ve had amazing support from the groups I have volunteered with it makes a big difference and I thank them for that.

Volunteering is something everyone should do at least once in their lives.

10 weeks of being at home sounds like heaven right. I see the usual posts every summer oh teachers are sooooo lucky to get such a long holiday (as a college lecturer my holidays fall in with the schools bit different if you work in Higher Education though and was loads of fun when I was part time in both ha! I work hard during the academic year holidays are needed and yes I have used that holiday time before to learn new skills as well (and finish up the PhD in years gone by). Oh don’t get me wrong I love my daughters to bits and we are all still talking to each other (have our own spaces to retreat to when needed lol) but theres only so much Netflix you can do. Chatted to my poor postman last week for ages as he was the first person outside of my home I’d spoken to in person – socially distant – for ages.

One of my girls is still at school (well completing work at home and again apologies to her pastoral care teacher if I waffle on the phone poor person) and the other 2 at uni but due to being 1^st and 2^nd years they didn’t have to do exams and have been in a week longer than me and my youngest. We go out walks most days around the area just to get out of the house. I used to go out for a walk every lunch at work so trying to keep up the daily walk it really does make a difference for sure. Difference with a holiday is though you know when you are going back to work. The sudden stoppage and then uncertainty of when we will eventually go back to work was for me heart-breaking, genuinely heart-breaking. I love my job with all my heart and to me this is my calling. I’ve done other work before met nice folk but I guarantee this blog would be so different if I was there now during lockdown. Even had a spell or two of unemployment before finally getting back to university as a mature student at the grand ol age of 28. But I had the best pals at uni Christine aye OK we had our moment I guess but wowsers so proud of you and all you have achieved. Heather who I felt like another kiddo of mine (but oh in a good way you were just awful young – hehe team meetings and you getting Id’d in Walkabout lol but such a great friend), Tony ha the one who actually became a teacher from Junes module and David too. I still class myself as her biggest failure in the sense that it made me not want to teach at all – passed that class with flying colours for sure and it also gave me a lifelong friend in Craig who came to talk to us as he’d done the module the year before at his uni. The irony guys is I actually teach NPA for S5& 6 now go figure eh) and finally my good friend Donald we were the auld duffers of the class eh well you are older than me by far haha but we were the parents in that group(metaphorically lol). And yes I do use all that to tell my current students they are never too old to go do stuff and follow their dreams.  Probably my best story is the backup one and I always tell my students to “BACKUP LIKE THERES NO TOMORROW”       you know why during 3^rd year I was in charge of the project files and something happened to my copy. Donald made me sweat it out (and cry yeah I did mate) for a while before he told me he took a backup. Ladies and gents that’s why this guy rocks and is such an amazing developer.

 On my last day in the building at work after saying goodbye to a colleague in the car park I went to my car and sat and cried for a while before heading home knowing that it was the last time I’d be here for goodness knows how long.

Why am I sounding so dramatic? Well work believe or not was the place that gave me routine, gave me somewhere to be every weekday. As someone who is blessed to have anxiety and depression, work then gave a balance to me. I know I said going to work was scary and yeah it was but on getting there in at my desk, that melted away knowing I was safe and knowing if I did feel at all bad at any given moment I had my wee support group I could call on at ANY time. Having that meant the world to me.  Feeling bad for those who’ve not been anxious just feels like you are overwhelmed and can’t focus. Anxiety attacks never last long though only a short time and there are many ways of dealing with them (breathing exercises are a must but also walking and listening to music). I was getting better things were starting to look more positive and then lockdown threw all that out the window. When I first spoke of my anxiety in Aug 2019 to the few folk at work it really helped me and I thought at that point OK I’m back at work and I’ve spoken about it this is going to be easy right?  I was reminded by one of them that yes it’s great you feel better after talking but that’s just the start it’s a long road to recovery and I hate to admit they were so right. But having that support throughout was helping and the understanding of my situation really did help which is why I miss being in the workplace so much. Yes I’m still working but it is not the same working from home. I still talk to my colleagues and students and we get the work done which I am glad I can at least do but its not the same as being there in person and that I can’t wait for again.

Advice from my mentor at the time before I gave my very first lecture in front of my 1^st year Games Design Class. Which you would think given I’d been teaching for a couple of years at college by that point that a lecture would be no problems. Nope a lecture you have to be at the front the whole time talking (or droning on I am sorry students but even I got fed up of my voice after 20 minutes so for you to sit and stay with me for over an hour you guys rock – yeah we do look at the audience for sleepers lol my biggest fear but thankfully you were all too kind) and that’s it totally scary stuff in front of 100 students not just your class of 20. Once the first one was over though it did get a bit easier but those words stuck with me. I was reminded of this on my Facebook memories this week with this post about me finding the presentation I’d made for my first ever talk in front of folk at uni and guess who was my lecturer yes that very person who then mentored me how lucky can you get.

Julie is an amazing person and gave me the confidence to deliver that first presentation as a scared mature student back in 2006 (mature being I was 10 years older than most of my class but we had a great group) and then when I came back to GCU as a member of staff she was then a mentor to me and again showed utter faith in my abilities which led to me lecturing and not just leading tutorials/labs eek. Her faith paid off though and OK maybe seems daft to folk but when you are not the most confident (I guess anxiety has always been with me) you need reassurance and having that from someone I admire as a lecturer really gave me that push I needed. Also, she is very much a positive role model for women in computing. I do try applying the kindness that she showed me to my own students as I think its important. I struggled through those 4 years for various reasons BUT always had the back up of the staff who were nothing but patient, understanding and sympathetic to what was going on in my life outside of studying.

This past academic year anxiety has been that scary thing I’ve done EVERY day its hard to get up out of bed for work but when the anxiety kicks in you realise its easier to go to work than have to explain why you can’t go to work. Sounds stupid right? Work is the place though that has helped with that and once I was there in the building that feeling of eurgh went away. I absolutely love my job and lets face it I work with some of the most amazing folk. However I had to get up out of bed and get to work first to make that happen. But thanks to the love and support I am still here fighting every day yeah for sure it’s a million times harder during lockdown BUT I still have the support which is priceless.

While it may be mental health week – great for raising awareness but in reality we really should all be more aware of our own mental health all the time and when it is suffering. We all have good and bad days and this lockdown for sure is testing everyone. Its something we need to talk about more and openly not be ashamed about it. I was to start one of those I didn’t want folk to know about my issues and for at least 7 months while family and friends new only 4 folk at work knew and those were the trusted few that helped me through the most difficult time. Naturally I realise now I would have had much more support had I been a bit more open but there is a stigma about mental health issues I guess and I had to shake that off before I could open up fully to others and I am glad I have done. It has been a relief not to worry about it as such now and I know that the help and support network is amazing.  Its important you don’t struggle alone – I would not have gotten through work had I kept this fully to myself for sure. My anxiety manifests in the fear of I’m not good enough or I’m always second guessing myself at work. It leads to endless thinking and overthinking until it hurts my head. It can also lead to anxiety attacks which can at times render me unable to talk and I have to just go fora walk to shake it off. Its all about rationalising things so a simple task for you will be a mountain for me until I have sorted it out in my head and realised yeah actually that is OK.

Look after each other you never know who needs that kind word – there’s been a few times recently where I’ve had a lovely wee check in message either text or DM on social media and for those who have done it it makes a world of difference. You don’t have to understand, just being there and asking is everything and makes things better.