Do what scares you once ….

Advice from my mentor at the time before I gave my very first lecture in front of my 1st year Games Design Class. Which you would think given I’d been teaching for a couple of years at college by that point that a lecture would be no problems. Nope a lecture you have to be at the front the whole time talking (or droning on I am sorry students but even I got fed up of my voice after 20 minutes so for you to sit and stay with me for over an hour you guys rock – yeah we do look at the audience for sleepers lol my biggest fear but thankfully you were all too kind) and that’s it totally scary stuff in front of 100 students not just your class of 20. Once the first one was over though it did get a bit easier but those words stuck with me. I was reminded of this on my Facebook memories this week with this post about me finding the presentation I’d made for my first ever talk in front of folk at uni and guess who was my lecturer yes that very person who then mentored me how lucky can you get.

Julie is an amazing person and gave me the confidence to deliver that first presentation as a scared mature student back in 2006 (mature being I was 10 years older than most of my class but we had a great group) and then when I came back to GCU as a member of staff she was then a mentor to me and again showed utter faith in my abilities which led to me lecturing and not just leading tutorials/labs eek. Her faith paid off though and OK maybe seems daft to folk but when you are not the most confident (I guess anxiety has always been with me) you need reassurance and having that from someone I admire as a lecturer really gave me that push I needed. Also, she is very much a positive role model for women in computing. I do try applying the kindness that she showed me to my own students as I think its important. I struggled through those 4 years for various reasons BUT always had the back up of the staff who were nothing but patient, understanding and sympathetic to what was going on in my life outside of studying.

This past academic year anxiety has been that scary thing I’ve done EVERY day its hard to get up out of bed for work but when the anxiety kicks in you realise its easier to go to work than have to explain why you can’t go to work. Sounds stupid right? Work is the place though that has helped with that and once I was there in the building that feeling of eurgh went away. I absolutely love my job and lets face it I work with some of the most amazing folk. However I had to get up out of bed and get to work first to make that happen. But thanks to the love and support I am still here fighting every day yeah for sure it’s a million times harder during lockdown BUT I still have the support which is priceless.

While it may be mental health week – great for raising awareness but in reality we really should all be more aware of our own mental health all the time and when it is suffering. We all have good and bad days and this lockdown for sure is testing everyone. Its something we need to talk about more and openly not be ashamed about it. I was to start one of those I didn’t want folk to know about my issues and for at least 7 months while family and friends new only 4 folk at work knew and those were the trusted few that helped me through the most difficult time. Naturally I realise now I would have had much more support had I been a bit more open but there is a stigma about mental health issues I guess and I had to shake that off before I could open up fully to others and I am glad I have done. It has been a relief not to worry about it as such now and I know that the help and support network is amazing.  Its important you don’t struggle alone – I would not have gotten through work had I kept this fully to myself for sure. My anxiety manifests in the fear of I’m not good enough or I’m always second guessing myself at work. It leads to endless thinking and overthinking until it hurts my head. It can also lead to anxiety attacks which can at times render me unable to talk and I have to just go fora walk to shake it off. Its all about rationalising things so a simple task for you will be a mountain for me until I have sorted it out in my head and realised yeah actually that is OK.

Look after each other you never know who needs that kind word – there’s been a few times recently where I’ve had a lovely wee check in message either text or DM on social media and for those who have done it it makes a world of difference. You don’t have to understand, just being there and asking is everything and makes things better.

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