10 weeks of being at home sounds like heaven right. I see the usual posts every summer oh teachers are sooooo lucky to get such a long holiday (as a college lecturer my holidays fall in with the schools bit different if you work in Higher Education though and was loads of fun when I was part time in both ha! I work hard during the academic year holidays are needed and yes I have used that holiday time before to learn new skills as well (and finish up the PhD in years gone by). Oh don’t get me wrong I love my daughters to bits and we are all still talking to each other (have our own spaces to retreat to when needed lol) but theres only so much Netflix you can do. Chatted to my poor postman last week for ages as he was the first person outside of my home I’d spoken to in person – socially distant – for ages.

One of my girls is still at school (well completing work at home and again apologies to her pastoral care teacher if I waffle on the phone poor person) and the other 2 at uni but due to being 1^st and 2^nd years they didn’t have to do exams and have been in a week longer than me and my youngest. We go out walks most days around the area just to get out of the house. I used to go out for a walk every lunch at work so trying to keep up the daily walk it really does make a difference for sure. Difference with a holiday is though you know when you are going back to work. The sudden stoppage and then uncertainty of when we will eventually go back to work was for me heart-breaking, genuinely heart-breaking. I love my job with all my heart and to me this is my calling. I’ve done other work before met nice folk but I guarantee this blog would be so different if I was there now during lockdown. Even had a spell or two of unemployment before finally getting back to university as a mature student at the grand ol age of 28. But I had the best pals at uni Christine aye OK we had our moment I guess but wowsers so proud of you and all you have achieved. Heather who I felt like another kiddo of mine (but oh in a good way you were just awful young – hehe team meetings and you getting Id’d in Walkabout lol but such a great friend), Tony ha the one who actually became a teacher from Junes module and David too. I still class myself as her biggest failure in the sense that it made me not want to teach at all – passed that class with flying colours for sure and it also gave me a lifelong friend in Craig who came to talk to us as he’d done the module the year before at his uni. The irony guys is I actually teach NPA for S5& 6 now go figure eh) and finally my good friend Donald we were the auld duffers of the class eh well you are older than me by far haha but we were the parents in that group(metaphorically lol). And yes I do use all that to tell my current students they are never too old to go do stuff and follow their dreams.  Probably my best story is the backup one and I always tell my students to “BACKUP LIKE THERES NO TOMORROW”       you know why during 3^rd year I was in charge of the project files and something happened to my copy. Donald made me sweat it out (and cry yeah I did mate) for a while before he told me he took a backup. Ladies and gents that’s why this guy rocks and is such an amazing developer.

 On my last day in the building at work after saying goodbye to a colleague in the car park I went to my car and sat and cried for a while before heading home knowing that it was the last time I’d be here for goodness knows how long.

Why am I sounding so dramatic? Well work believe or not was the place that gave me routine, gave me somewhere to be every weekday. As someone who is blessed to have anxiety and depression, work then gave a balance to me. I know I said going to work was scary and yeah it was but on getting there in at my desk, that melted away knowing I was safe and knowing if I did feel at all bad at any given moment I had my wee support group I could call on at ANY time. Having that meant the world to me.  Feeling bad for those who’ve not been anxious just feels like you are overwhelmed and can’t focus. Anxiety attacks never last long though only a short time and there are many ways of dealing with them (breathing exercises are a must but also walking and listening to music). I was getting better things were starting to look more positive and then lockdown threw all that out the window. When I first spoke of my anxiety in Aug 2019 to the few folk at work it really helped me and I thought at that point OK I’m back at work and I’ve spoken about it this is going to be easy right?  I was reminded by one of them that yes it’s great you feel better after talking but that’s just the start it’s a long road to recovery and I hate to admit they were so right. But having that support throughout was helping and the understanding of my situation really did help which is why I miss being in the workplace so much. Yes I’m still working but it is not the same working from home. I still talk to my colleagues and students and we get the work done which I am glad I can at least do but its not the same as being there in person and that I can’t wait for again.